Privilege

**Sorry, this is very long. Go get yourself a cup of tea before you start reading. :)**

Now for something more serious than pictures of my nursery and baby showers. I recently read this post on Anti-Racist Parent, which originated from this post on Social Class & Quakers. It is a meme that many blogs have been doing lately, developed originally as a "game" to play in a large group to reveal the privilege associated with certain races and social classes. The idea is to take a step forward if any of the below apply to you, so that the most privileged in the group end up ahead with the less privileged behind them. In blog form, the idea is to just bold the items that apply to me.

Father went to college (University of Virginia...go Wahoos!)
Father finished college
Mother went to college (U.Va. as well...where they met)
Mother finished college
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home (this includes all my parents' professional books, without those I don't think we had over 500)
Were read children's books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 (soccer, piano, horseback riding, ballet)
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
Went to a private high school
Went to summer camp (only one summer, though)
Had a private tutor before you turned 18
Family vacations involved staying at hotels (Motel 6 baby!)
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
There was original art in your house when you were a child
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
You had your own room as a child
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course (this is such a recent question...nobody I knew did this...)
Had your own TV in your room in High School
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
Went on a cruise with your family (really a mini-cruise...England to Sweden)
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

This helped me realize how privileged I am and made me think about how M and T would be far behind me (based on what I know about them from their home studies) if we were playing the game in person. Here's what I think Clio's profile will look like some day:

Father went to college
Father finished college
Mother went to college
Mother finished college
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
Were read children's books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18 (Definitely not. We will teach her the ways of Dave Ramsey and keep her away from credit card debt!)
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
Went to a private high school (I doubt it, since the public schools in our city are excellent)
Went to summer camp
Had a private tutor before you turned 18 (I don't really understand this one, but if she needs one, she'll have one)
Family vacations involved staying at hotels (because Daddy travels so much and gets hotel points, she'll be staying in Westins and Sheratons...much nicer than what I stayed in as a kid!)
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 (this is silly...I love finding garage sale bargains, even though we could afford new)
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them (what?!!! In my opinion, NEVER give a teenager a new car. They will wreck it, quickly.)
There was original art in your house when you were a child (starting with, the nursery mural!)
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18 (no, she can just take the cordless into her sanctuary if she needs to)
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
You had your own room as a child (I don't know about this one...depends on how many more babies we adopt, since we only have 2 spare rooms)
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course (I guess, if all the other kids are doing it...)
Had your own TV in your room in High School (absolutely NOT...encourages antisocial behavior in teenagers I think)
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
Went on a cruise with your family (J hates cruises, so probably not)
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family (we want to give her a financial education, so I think we'll expose her to things like this)

For the record, I question the validity of some of these items in terms of their accuracy in measuring privilege, since technically J and I can provide all 34 to Clio but we will choose not to do so for some of the things we disagee with.

So, just as I have 25 bolded, Clio will probably have the same amount some day. If M and T decide to keep her (they can change their minds up until 48 hours after birth), she'll most likely have between 1 and 12 (based on what I know about them, and allowing that their incomes might rise in the future).

I think that one of the most significant reasons M and T are deciding to give Clio up for adoption has to do with the fact that they fear they will only be able to give her 1 or 2 items on this list, although of course I don't think they are thinking about it in precisely these terms. They know from our homestudy, which includes our financial information and an interview about how we plan to parent, that we can give Clio all 34 if we choose to.

I feel bad about this, though, because I know as a privileged person that privilege does not bring happiness. I don't think that Clio is going to be a better or happier person for having 25 on her list as opposed to having 5 or 10 or none! I feel like M and T and J and I are matched well in terms of 1. they want us to raise Clio and 2. we want to raise Clio, but we are not matched well in terms of our intentions. M and T intend to give Clio more things by giving her to us, but J and I care little about things (despite my fixation on posting about things recently! :) ) and instead want Clio to be part of our family and share our love. Clio could just as easily get the family and love parts of the equation with M and T. From meeting them, I have no doubt that they will shower her with love and be devoted parents if they choose to keep her.

So, I guess I'm feeling guilty that because I'm a privileged person I get to be the one to love Clio and because M and T were born into families without privilege, they "can't" keep Clio and love her on a personal and daily basis the way we will be able to.

I'm thinking of this in terms of the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow...anybody see it? It's like the butterfly effect...how our choices changes the course of a life. I just wonder if in some fantasy world, if I could sit down and talk to "Clio who grew up with J and me" and "Clio who grew up with M and T"...I know which Clio would probably be healthier and more "successful," but which one would be happier? Adopted kids often bear deep psychological wounds as they come to accept the fact that their parents aren't biologically related to them and that their biological parents gave them up. We have read books about how to prevent Clio from being inordinately hurt by this, but we can't cushion her 100% from the very real trauma of her emotions when she is finally old enough to really understand this part of herself. I can't help but feel that J and I are taking away a piece of Clio's happiness by taking her away from M and T. The only thing that stops me from feeling overwhelmed by sadness at this thought is the reality that if we don't adopt her, some other family will. And, we desperately want her. I just hope our devotion to her will be enough to make up for the sadness that she'll feel later in live about the Clio that could have been.

Sorry this was so long, I guess I could have just hired a therapist to listen to me... :)