Open Adoption Revisited

In the past couple of days I've assembled all of the supplies and baby gear we will need to take care of Clio in the hotel for a week, since R will be "full-term" at 37 weeks as of Monday. I've piled all of this stuff on a bench in our great room, ready to throw into the car when needed. This pile includes a car seat, moses basket, bag of diapers and wipes (disposable for the hotel), bag of baby clothes, blankets, towels, etc., video camera and breastfeeding supplies.

It has been hard for J and me to feel that this adoption is real, but this pile of stuff is helping it sink in.

One of the reasons that Clio doesn't feel as real as Lucy did is due to the fact that we haven't yet met R or G. We were supposed to meet G back on August 6th, but he didn't show. We later found out that he'd had a medical emergency a couple of days prior and the drama of that experience had erased our appointment from his mind. We completely understand. We have a tentative appointment to meet him this coming Tuesday, September 2nd, but for various reasons that might not happen either. Of course I will post about it if it does occur.

There is a chance we may never meet R, ever. This makes me very sad, because my open adoption ideal, going into this process last year, was to have an ongoing relationship with the birth parents. In open adoption, the "match meeting" is key to beginning this relationship. I understand that R wants to protect herself from the pain of knowing us and seeing us raise her birth daughter, but I hope that some day she realizes that opening herself up to knowing us on a more personal level than our profile will be beneficial for Clio.

Based on the reading we've done to prepare for adoptive parenting, we know that some adopted children feel the following about their adoption: confusion as little children, angst as older children and anger as teens/young adults. This is reality and we cannot stop Clio from experiencing some confusion, angst and anger as she comes to term with the choices that R, G, J and I made about her future before she was old enough to have any say in the matter. However, qualitative and quantitative research suggests that adopted children who know more about their birth parents experience less trauma while going through these emotional phases. Clio may be more psychologically healthy if she knows for sure that R and G love her, and that they didn't make adoption plans because she is defective in some way. The more contact she has with them growing up, the more sure she can be of these things.

With M & T, I felt as though we were building a healthy relationship. We took photos of the four of us together, grinning happily over M's belly. What a treasure that would have been for Lucy some day, to see all four of her parents in one photo, united in love for her! Going to M's doctor's appointments, I got to know her as a good friend. Having her at my church baby shower was fun (yes, a bit awkward) and furthered my image of what our relationship could be after Lucy's birth. I pictured M & T coming to Lucy's baptism, attending her first birthday party, perhaps even joining our church! M's 13-year-old daughter asked if she could babysit Lucy and I told her yes, as long as she got CPR training. I had a cozy image of M & T as aunt and uncle figures in Lucy's life. I pictured Lucy growing up never doubting that all four of her parents loved her.

I pictured wrong. In the end, the friendship we fostered with M & T became one more painful aspect of losing Lucy. Their decision felt personal, because we know that they fully understood how much we love that little girl and they knew how much they were hurting us. On the other hand, we also know that they will lavish love on Teresa. We empathize with how much it pained them to leave her in the hospital that Saturday morning; we understand that they had bonded with Lucy and couldn't let her go. Understanding and empathy doesn't erase our pain, but it has helped us to forgive them for hurting us.

This time is so different. No match meeting, no doctor's visits, no ultrasound pictures. R, G and Clio are still wholly intangible to us; they only exist on paper and in theory.

Many people have commented to me that they think this experience is better because it doesn't require an emotional investment from us. I'm not sure what I think. On the one hand, perhaps this lack of contact is what J and I need right now, since this is happening so soon after losing Lucy. On the other hand, if this adoption goes through, I will regret not having had the opportunity to build a relationship with R & G before Clio's birth. After her birth, it becomes too easy for us to go our separate ways, exchange letters and pictures for awhile, and then lose contact. This is a familiar pattern in open adoptions, and it is prevented most effectively by the birth parents and adoptive parents establishing a relationship before the baby arrives.

If R & G maintain their distance after the adoption, Clio will have lost an opportunity to know the people whose genes and love for each other combined to create a unique and beautiful human being. For her sake, primarily, I hope that R & G realize how important they are and end up being open to open adoption. It may be hard for them to be open, because witnessing her growing up will remind them of the painful choice they made. Openness may be hard for J and I too, to have Clio tell us someday that she likes R & G better and wishes they had kept her (actually, this will happen whether or not R & G are in her life, and it will happen around age 16 when we tell her she can't drive to ...insert place name here...with her friends for the weekend).
Don't get me wrong; openness can be very rewarding for birth parents and adoptive parents. Our relationship with M & T was on track to be a strong friendship. However, the bond we form with R & G, if any, will never be about the four of us. It will be about Clio.

Adoption can be described (loosely) with the metaphor of a coin: heads is the joy of the adoptive parents, tails is the grief of the birth parents; what connects them is the love both sides feel for the child they hold in common, and that bond is valuable.