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    Sunday, November 30, 2008

    First Snow

    We were planning to leave Minnesota this morning, but snow has kept us here another day. Evie's first snow! As you can see, she was not exactly happy about this:
    (For the record, we had socks on her hands until just before we took the pictures, and they were warmer than her cheeks when we brought her back inside.)
    Firsts from this trip:
    first family "road trip"
    first time in Iowa and in Minnesota
    first time being changed in a McDonald's bathroom
    first time at Grandma and Grandpa's house
    first Thanksgiving
    first time meeting J's family
    first time having cold snowflakes fall on her bare cheeks (not so much fun the first time)
    Tomorrow is a big day: no more nablopomo, a 6 hour drive back to Missouri and my birthday!

    Saturday, November 29, 2008

    More Pictures and Captions

    Only two more days of nablopomo...

    Meeting her developmental milestone of bringing her hands together:
    Evie's not ALWAYS sugar and spice and everything nice:

    BIG stretch:


    Favorite spot to nap:

    Apollo, enjoying Grandma and Grandpa's sunny window seat:

    Friday, November 28, 2008

    Just Pictures and Captions

    I'm the cutest girl in the room, so there! Achoo!

    Thanks for bringing my singing star to Grandma and Grandpa's house!

    I can't vote at all, actually. And, I don't eat peas yet. Why did Mommy buy this bib?

    Grandpa is hilarious!

    (more from my students, 8 days old)
    Dark circles, bright future

    Who let the paparazzi into the house?






    Thursday, November 27, 2008

    Happy Thanksgiving

    Giving thanks today for...
    • God's faithfulness in my life and answers to my prayers

    • J, the best dad and husband I could have asked for

    • Evie Bea, my dream come true


    • J's family, who love Evie and me as much as my blood relatives do. Here are pictures of 5 members of J's family (of the 18 of us that were here today) meeting Evie for the first time:

    J's Uncle Craig:
    Uncle Doug:

    Aunt Michelle:

    Great Aunt Opal:

    Aunt Jan:
    • My family, spread all around the country today: I miss you all

    • My wonderful friends, online and offline

    • My sweet pups, who were there before Evie to bring a smile to my face on the worst of days. Apollo LOVES grandma and grandpa's house. Cushions!

    • My country (Thanksgiving has always been patriotic in my family) and that for the first time in my adult life I got to choose between two truly worthy candidates for the presidency.

    • Finally, I'm thankful for turkey stuffing, wine and Grandma Evie's recipe for pumpkin chiffon pie

    Here is Evie smiling at her grandpa in a new bib, made my one of J's mother's friends:


    And here is a close-up of her Thanksgiving outfit; the onesie is a gift from her Uncle Matt and Aunt Christine. It isn't her only organic cotton onesie, but it is the only onesie she has that was handmade in Austin, Texas. Evie says: "I love you Aunt Christine and Uncle Matt! I'm so sad you weren't here today!"

    Wednesday, November 26, 2008

    Tagged

    Thanks to Safire, I have another good excuse to put off finishing my post about adoption profiles. :)

    1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope!
    2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Ummm, about 10 minutes ago when I read that Jen is thinking of naming her baby girl after me? (no pressure) I'm a very weepy woman; so is my mom, so I come by it honestly.
    3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's terrible, I hate it. When I was a kid I used to practice making it look like my dad's handwriting and he's a doctor. Enough said.
    4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? The meat doesn't matter. The Tr@der Joe's wasabi mayonnaise does. Heaven. If I have to choose, roast beef.
    5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes!!!
    6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? What a strange question. It depends on which other person I was, I guess...my brain is hurting with philosophical questions...must stop thinking about this...
    7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yes, and I can also define it and distinguish it from irony and facetiousness, can you?
    8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS. Yes, but until recently I thought that I didn't, for some odd reason.
    9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, but I love the bungee "swing" rides at amusement parks.
    10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Cinnamon Life
    11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Usually, no
    12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I've always been strong. My high school friends joked about me being "good Swedish stock" for my large frame (I have man-sized hands and size 9.5 feet) and J called me "a brute" when I can help him move around furniture, etc.
    13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Chocolate Raspberry Truffle
    14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their posture and facial expression (I don't judge, my posture is terrible a lot of times, but I'm working on it in yoga).
    15. RED OR PINK? I can't choose.
    16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My chronic allergies and sinusitis, tied with my endometriosis.
    17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My parents, now that they are in Texas and have to fly to get here (they've been in St. Louis for a couple of years and could drive, but moved to TX right when Evie was born...out of their control...Air Force).
    18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I assume this meme came from e-mail....
    19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Brown flip flops
    20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Kung Pao Chicken
    21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? I can hear a commercial on CNN in the other room
    22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? purple
    23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Evie's breath, Evie's hair, J's neck, my dogs' heads (seriously), tangerine, bonfires, sauteeing garlic and onions
    24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? J's mom
    25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Of course! If I didn't like Safire, would I read her blog? I think not. :)
    26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? I'm embarrassed to admit this because it's so stereotypical: figure skating and gymnastics
    27. HAIR COLOR? Dirty blonde getting browner by the year
    28. EYE COLOR? Blue
    29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? When I bother to order them
    30. FAVORITE FOOD? tortilla chips and guacamole, tied with filet mignon
    31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I like a happy ending as long as it's not a predictable romantic comedy; does anyone else feel like you've been watching the same movie over and over your whole life? When does the madness end?
    32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Mamma Mia, at the theater with Jen. It was just like the show (which J and I saw last year) but the actors in the show had much better singing and dancing skills than the actors in the movie.
    33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black
    34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
    35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
    36. FAVORITE DESSERT? something with dark chocolate
    37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Someone else doing nablopomo
    38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND. Anyone prepping the house for Thanksgiving guests
    39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Baby Blues: "Night of the Living Dad." After Christmas I should be able to find enough free time to read something serious.
    40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Evie Bea! (Sn@pfish mouse pad)
    41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? John & Kate Plus 8 and CNN
    42. FAVORITE SOUND. Doggie tails thumping against the sofa as I'm arriving home and walking up the stairs from the garage.
    43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles!
    44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Eastern Germany
    45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I am a talented organizer :)
    46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Charlottesville, Virginia
    47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? How about Melba , Jen and Kelly (no pressure, ladies).

    Tuesday, November 25, 2008

    Flashback

    When Evie was 8 days old, two young journalists from the school I taught at came to our house for a few hours. One of them asked me endless questions, which became a full two-page spread in the student newspaper. The other snapped picture after picture. About 150 pictures in all. Here are some highlights:






    Today's firsts: Evie smiled at me when I blew a raspberry on her tummy during a diaper change and put some weight on her legs when I held her under her arms, above my lap. Such a big girl.
    We had a busy day, visiting my old school (which is how I got my hands on the CDs of pictures from the article) and a friend with 2-month-old twin girls. ETA: This friend came to visit us in the hospital when Evie was 1 day old and then had her girls a few days later. She went so long (38+ weeks I think) that both were born at or above 7 lbs. and she said "the nurses were ecstatic about such big, healthy twins." Now they are about 9 and 10 lbs. and cuter than ever. They look very different, like Safire's twins, and I got to hold both of them (one at a time, I'm not a pro yet). It is so fun to hold babies that are littler than your own. That and looking at these pictures has reminded me, today, of how much Evie has grown. She's 150% of her birth weight!
    Tonight and tomorrow J and I are packing to drive to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, to see his family. None of them except his parents have met Evie yet, so it will be a fun time!

    Monday, November 24, 2008

    Deck the Halls

    Christmas has come to our house. We usually decorate after Thanksgiving, but this year we realized it would take longer. Sure enough, our bins have been down from the attic for almost 2 weeks and I'm only 1/2 done decorating. But, Christmas is here. Now Evie stares at the Christmas tree instead of our tulip lamp. When she's bored, all I have to do to entertain her is carry her over to the tree and start talking to her about all of the ornaments:
    One of my baby ornaments:

    Because all of J's have his name on them, I'll show off one of his many car ornaments. We need to adopt a boy next, a boy who will appreciate that we have over a dozen car ornaments on our trees (yes, we have 2 trees because they are small and we have lots of ornaments). OK, that was sexist, sorry. I'm sure Evie will get a kick out of the cars in a couple of years:

    Here's another of my birth year ornaments. It's hard to see in the picture, but it was broken and glued back together. Probably from one of the times I pulled our tree over on myself when I was a toddler:

    And here is one of Evie's baby ornaments. Of course, it's Classic Pooh:


    Here's another one. Look familiar? It's what my mom used to create the applique for the center of Evie's quilt:

    Here's an ornament from 1998:

    And another one that has a place of honor, top and center of one of the trees:

    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...making these felt applique stockings must have been a hot craft in the 1970's because J's mom made him the one on the left in 1973 and my mom made mine in 1977 (OK, maybe they didn't actually make them the years we were born, it could have been a bit later, now that I think of it...). I get all kinds of warm fuzzies about my stocking because it's one of those things that takes me back. I remember how lumpy is was on Christmas morning, stuffed with presents, and I can still remember how it felt to reach my whole arm into it, digging my fingers into the soft toe, to find the gift that always went in first: gold foil-wrapped chocolate coins. Yum. Anyhow, isn't it interesting that J and I have matching stockings from our childhoods? It's just one of the many serendipities in our relationship. But that's another story. So, I was excited to hear that my mom found an old-fashioned felt applique stocking kit that she's using to make Evie's stocking! It's not done yet, but I'll post a picture of it at Christmas.
    Finally, a bit of memorabilia from J's childhood. These elves were handmade by J's grandma, Evie's namesake. I love how they look mischievous/evil when you get up close to them. Of course, they are supposed to spell out "Noel" but J and his younger brother spent December impishly rearranging the elves when adults weren't looking. J still does this. I put these up just today, but by the end of the week they will say "Leon" or some such:

    Sunday, November 23, 2008

    Bear Hug

    If you missed yesterday's post about joining in, please go back and read it; I'm looking for a few more pats on the back to help me decide which post to use for The Creme de la Creme.
    I'm still not done with my post about profiles, so we interrupt the regularly scheduled blog posts to bring you cute pictures of Evie naked with a bear. A "nap bear" we got for only $18 from Costco a few weeks back; it is like a teddy bear rug/blanket because the head is stuffed but the body is flat. I think it's a little scary, because he has vinyl claws on his paws, but we think Evie will love to cuddle with him, eventually.





    She's decided to name him "bear."

    Saturday, November 22, 2008

    Join In!

    So, do you have spare time? Nope, neither do I. In fact, I'm wondering why I thought it was a good idea to do nablopomo when I...
    1. have a 2-month-old
    2. have a messy house
    3. need to decorate for Christmas and buy/wrap/mail gifts
    4. have scrapbooking things littered all over the dining room for Evie's baby book, lifebook and my family scrapbook and
    5. attend not one, not two, but three mommy/baby exercise classes each week (2 aerobics and 1 yoga)
    6. have a nativity quilt that I've been working on since last October and desperately want to display sometime in December this year. OK, just kidding, I know that quilt is just not going to happen. Next year, I promise.

    Nevertheless, I happily joined up with an online site called YouData after reading this. It's a company that will pay your PayPal account for clicking on their ads and being linked to the advertisers' sites. And no, Lori is not paying me for all of the linking to her I've been doing. :) YouData isn't yet as great for me as it was for her, I only earned $2.23 my first day, but it was pretty quick and easy and I was surprised at what great websites it sent me to. I actually printed off a coupon that I know I'll use and found a website with beautiful fair trade gift items that will be perfect for certain beloved relatives who read this blog, so I'm not going to say any more. On their site they say one of their target demographics is women and "mommy bloggers" so head over and earn some cash. Unfortunately I spent my $2.23 a few times over on cool stuff, but hey, I needed Christmas presents anyhow, right? ;^) (Just to clarify, I chose to spend money on the sites, it is not a part of the YouData program. You don't have to spend a single penny.)

    More joining...if your blog qualifies as an infertility/loss/adoption blog, and many of us do, you are not only invited but encouraged to head over to Stirrup Queens and sign up for the Creme de la Creme 2008.

    Creme


    The Best of the Adoption/Infertility/Loss Blogs of 2008

    The logo says I'm on it, but I'm not yet. I will be. Go over to the site to read about it, it would take too long to explain here. The hardest part of getting on the list is choosing a "best post." Here's the way I feel about my blog: 1. I have some good stuff on here, but none of the good stuff is so concentrated into one post that it makes it stand out as the best and 2. I am such a perfectionist that when I go back and reread my posts to try to pick one I just end up wanting to click the little pencil icon and go back and fix my run-on sentences and wordiness. When I started the blog I promised myself that I would write from the heart and proofread for typos and spelling, but that I wouldn't obsess about word choice and grammar. That might sound strange, but if I tried to write "my English teacher best" on every post, I would spend 2 or 3 times as long writing and Evie wouldn't approve of that. I know my posts are long, but I am a super-fast typist and prefer to spend my time thinking about content, not sentence fluency. Sorry. Anyhow, my point is that I need help. It sounds self-seeking to ask you all to tell me what my best post is, but I'm honestly stumped here. Please help by leaving a comment and telling me what your favorite post has been. It can be anything, since I started the blog in 2008. Otherwise, if I'd started in a previous year, only 2008 posts would qualify. Please, please, help. Thanks. And if you fit the criteria (loss/adoption/infertility) get started choosing your own best 2008 post and go join up. Good luck deciding!

    While you're over at Stirrup Queens, add yourself to her "Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer" by e-mailing her the address of your blog. You can find out more here. I've found some great blogs on her list and I've had wonderful people find me through the list.

    And if you're not writing a loss/adoption/infertility blog, congratulations :) and I have something for you, too (as long as you're a woman, I don't think they "take" men): The Secret is in the Sauce. I found this blog after a SITS blogger commented on my blog and I went to check out hers and saw the link in her sidebar. I've been wanting to become a SITSer ever since but at first I didn't have the energy to commit to it (ahem, newborn) and now I'm doing nablopomo...so I'm planning to join SITS in December. Come join with me, it'll be fun.

    Friday, November 21, 2008

    Me, me, me

    I'm going to work on the profile post today, but I'm deciding not to stress myself about it and instead of rushing to post it today I'm going to do a meme post that I saw on a couple of other blogs, like Safire and Miss X. Nablopomoers love the meme! This is only the second one I've done on this blog. The first was about class privilege. This one is a bit more light-hearted.

    100 Things
    (the ones I've done are in bold)
    and of course I can't help but comment on them

    1. Started your own blog
    2. Slept under the stars on the polo practice field at UVa. We were woken up by the horses. Scary.
    3. Played in a band TA-WVFCI/OP(?)MPB&CSRU!!!, The Award-Winning Virginia Fighting Cavalier Indoor/Outdoor Precision (?) Marching Pep Band & Chowder Society Review Unlimited!!!, through which I met J
    4. Visited Hawaii
    5. Watched a meteor shower
    6. Given more than you can afford to charity this one is nebulous to me, what is more than I can afford? But we love to give to charity.
    7. Been to Disneyland
    8. Climbed a mountain
    9. Held a praying mantis
    10. Sang a solo for Evie, any day
    11. Bungee jumped do the bungee "swings" at amusement parks count? I love those.
    12. Visited Paris
    13. Watched a lightning storm at sea while trying to see flamingos in Mexico
    14. Taught yourself an art from scratch I pretty much taught myself scrapbooking, but that's a craft, not an art
    15. Adopted a child I heart Evie Bea
    16. Had food poisoning
    17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
    18. Grown your own vegetables
    19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
    20. Slept on an overnight train New Orleans to D.C. for my 8th grade trip
    21. Had a pillow fight
    22. Hitch hiked does it count that a random woman gave me a lift home from the grocery store one time when I was a first year in college?
    23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill it's called a mental health day
    24. Built a snow fort
    25. Held a lamb
    26. Gone skinny dipping boy, do I ever have great stories for this one
    27. Run a Marathon
    28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice how about at the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas? :)
    29. Seen a total eclipse
    30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
    31. Hit a home run
    32. Been on a cruise from England to Sweden and back, but I guess that counts
    33. Seen Niagara Falls in person as a baby
    34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors I've been to Sweden, Norway, England and Germany, but not to Ireland yet.
    35. Seen an Amish community in Ohio
    36. Taught yourself a new language
    37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied Dave Ramsey rocks
    38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
    39. Gone rock climbing
    40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
    41. Sung karaoke
    42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
    43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
    44. Visited Africa
    45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
    46. Been transported in an ambulance
    47. Had your portrait painted
    48. Gone deep sea fishing
    49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
    50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
    51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
    52. Kissed in the rain I have no clue
    53. Played in the mud
    54. Gone to a drive-in theater
    55. Been in a movie A local film about Yosemite when I was young (around 7) and we lived in CA; we were visiting the park and they filmed me running around in a field of wildflowers.
    56. Visited the Great Wall of China
    57. Started a business
    58. Taken a martial arts class
    59. Visited Russia
    60. Served at a soup kitchen
    61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
    62. Gone whale watching
    63. Got flowers for no reason
    64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma I'm no longer allowed to donate after new rules were put in place banning people who lived in England in the 1980's (mad cow disease)
    65. Gone sky diving
    66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
    67. Bounced a check
    68. Flown in a helicopter
    69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
    70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
    71. Eaten Caviar
    72. Pieced a quilt
    73. Stood in Times Square
    74. Toured the Everglades
    75. Been fired from a job I was fired from a telemarketing job when I was 18 (summer job); I didn't even survive through the second day of training. They sent me home before lunch! They trained us by putting us on fake calls and then yelling at us to see if we could remain poised. I couldn't.
    76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
    77. Broken a bone
    78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
    79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
    80. Published a book
    81. Visited the Vatican
    82. Bought a brand new car never have, never will (Dave Ramsey again)
    83. Walked in Jerusalem
    84. Had your picture in the newspaper
    85. Read the entire Bible I've tried a few times...
    86. Visited the White House outside only
    87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating lobster
    88. Had chickenpox
    89. Saved someone’s life
    90. Sat on a jury
    91. Met someone famous * Reggie Jackson when I was young (6 or 7?) and attending a medical convention with my family (my dad's a doc, remember?). Jackson was there in a booth signing autographs as a giveaway. My little brother and I were running around the place getting all of the free stuff we could and came back with his autograph as one of our pieces of loot. My Dad freaked out and we had to try to lead him back to where we'd seen Jackson. Imagine being an adult and wanting to see a famous sports hero and having to find him based on directions from a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old! * Pierce Brosnan when I was 19; I was in London for a summer abroad term (for my English major) and I met him during intermission at a play titled Shopping and F***ing; he was standing right next to me at the bar and we were both ordering wine. When I saw him I immediately thought "Crap! It's James Bond!" * Wallace Shawn ("Inconceivable!" guy, Vizzini, from The Princess Bride) at a poetry reading at U.Va. when I was 20
    92. Joined a book club
    93. Lost a loved one
    94. Had a baby
    95. Seen the Alamo in person
    96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake I saw it, though, when I was a kid
    97. Been involved in a law suit do class action suits count?
    98. Owned a cell phone
    99. Been stung by a bee
    100. Totally copied a post from someone else's blog to your own

    56 out of 100 by age 30 ain't bad...

    Thursday, November 20, 2008

    Two Months!

    Official doctor's visit report:

    • Evie weighs 11 lbs., 13 oz., which puts her in the 75th percentile, which is where she was at 1 month. Yay for consistency!

    • She is 22.5 inches long, which puts her in the 50th percentile, which is also consistent with how she's measured in the past.

    • Her head circumference is in the 95th percentile (don't remember the number, just the percentile). The only thing I have to say about this is that she fits right into our partly Norwegian family because a large Norwegian head has been passed down from my great-grandfather to my grandpa to my mother. I don't have an overly large head, but the trait is skipping a generation and being passed on through adoption. Cool! I have no idea why they measure her head size. I can see where a small head would be worrisome because I've heard that linked to syndromes, but is there any other significance to head size? I just don't know.

    • She received the rotavirus oral vaccination and the Pediarix combo vaccine (DTaP, hep B and polio). Our pediatrician convinced me this was better than just getting the DTaP today. She was especially eager to give Evie the hep B, I think because she's adopted? I have no idea how that would impact her exposure to hep B at this point in her life. She convinced me with the "it's only one shot today..." and I thought I remembered reading about this combo shot not being reactive like the MMR so I said yes. Then I came home and reread parts of Dr. Sears (why didn't I take the book to the appt.?) and realized that the shot he'd recommended (just DTap) would have had less aluminum than Pediarix. Well, what's done is done. I'll bring the book along next time to defend myself. We'll go back in a month for HIB and Pc. And yes, eventually we will be doing the M, M and R separately.

    • Evie loved the rotavirus oral vaccine and looked at the nurse like "can I have some more, please?" but screamed from the shot, of course. I knew she would, after yesterday accidentally pinching a bit of skin on her back as I was snapping up an outfit. She screamed as if I'd stabbed her with a knife...little drama queen :) It is so sad after one of her screaming fits how she keeps producing those little shuddering sobs every few seconds....sad and yet adorable. Seeing her eyelashes wet with tears breaks my heart, but it darkens her lashes and makes them stand out against her pink skin...beautiful.

    • The pediatrician praised her up and down for meeting and exceeding her milestones. She asked me how much tummy time we're doing and I said, "well, she doesn't like it much, but we try to do it on our chests and on her changing table..." and she said "keep it up! Her head shape is perfect and she's exceeding her milestones!" So that made me feel great. I have to say though, she was showing off like crazy for her doctor. I don't think I've ever seen her head get that close to 90 degrees before...she was saving the good stuff for an audience. She even did a push-up with her forearms supporting her and her entire chest off the examining table and our pediatrician kept cooing at her, "you're so strong for your age!" Where did that push-up come from, I ask you? I don't think I've ever seen her do that! She also demonstrated her full 180 degree head rotation and cooing, and brought her hands together before sucking on them. It was like I'd coached her or something. She was in a great mood, though, since she'd eaten just an hour before, and was happy staring around at all of the new scenery and faces.

    • The pediatrician examined her rash and wasn't concerned (it is less now than it was). She said to just keep bathing her every other day and changing her bib when it gets damp at the neck. She also examined her birth mark and says that it is growing at a normal rate and should be the type that disappears eventually (i.e. it will almost certainly be gone by the time she's old enough to wear a 2-piece bathing suit or a midriff-baring shirt.

    • The doctor was also interested in Evie's cloth diaper (for those who care, she was in a caramel serged OBV Goodmama and an aqua Thirsties cover). She asked me to show her how it snaps up and was interested in how many of them we have and how I wash them.
    Remember Evie's newborn photo shoot at 2 weeks old? Here is one of the shots I haven't shared yet: Just had to give you a chuckle. Here she is in the same cloth diaper at 1 month old (not much change in 2 weeks):


    And here are a few shots of her in the same diaper at 2 months old (whoa, baby!):

    Shiny Happy Baby:



    "What's that thing attached to my leg? Can I grab it and put it in my mouth?"





    She looks vaguely like Buddha here, doesn't she? It's the chubby lotus pose.





    "Mom, I still can't seem to control my arms!"



    See J's hand a the top right, about to prop her back up? She doesn't seem to mind. I love the fat rolls on her tummy in this one:

    • This month, Evie transitioned from drinking 4 oz. of formula at a time to 5 oz. at a time. She let us know she was ready by giving us hunger cues and fussing on our shoulders during after-feeding burps. The pediatrician thinks it's too much to give her and suggested cutting back down to 4, but I know my baby and I am not giving in. Evie wants 5, she gets 5.
    • Tragically, in the past couple of weeks we've caught Evie looking at the TV and at the computer screen. She's still a little Luddite who protests whenever J and I try to enjoy these things, but the hypnotic glow of electronic media has worked its magic on her to some extent, if she's in a good mood. This means that we now have to be careful about how much we use the TV and computer when she's awake because my goal is to keep her away from TV and computers until she's two (i.e. no Baby Einstein; it doesn't actually make babies smarter, said an article in the NYT I read awhile back).
    • Happily, it seems that Evie sleeping through the night (between 7.5 and 9 hours) is now something we can count on, temporarily at least. Because she is sleeping in her miracle blanket, with her arms tucked securely at her sides, the first thing she does each morning after she's been unwrapped is fling both arms high and straight over her head in a big stretch (just like the first picture above). She scrunches up her face (just like above) and doesn't open her eyes until she's on the changing table. Then she opens them up and flashes a smile at us. She might just turn me into a morning person yet, with those offerings.
    • I really, truly thought I was a demand feeding mom. Turns out I'm not! Something about the combination of feeding formula (so we know how much she's getting) and our logical personalities just fits better with scheduling. We don't schedule as strictly as some baby "training" books recommend, but we know our baby and we know that if she eats more often than every three hours, she will have a major spewage event on our shirts. If she sleeps at the beginning of the cycle and is awake at the end of the cycle, she gets cranky about 30-45 minutes before the 3 hours is up. It would be tempting to go ahead and just feed her, but wiping up formula from the floor, cleaning it from between the couch cushions, suctioning it out of her nose, wiping it out of her ears and washing three bibs and four burp cloths for one feeding...it gets old. So we hold her off for a few minutes and then only have to clean 1-2 bibs and 1-2 burp cloths per feeding. Maybe we could even reduce the spitting up further by feeding her 4 oz. or by stretching her schedule a few minutes longer, but at a certain point the crying jags negate the laundry savings. We have found equilibrium, Evie is thriving, we are happy. We don't schedule anything else about her day (like naps, play time, changes) and we definitely never wake her up to feed her, but we do schedule bedtime. Around dinner time we discuss when her bedtime feeding will be (between 8 and 11 depending on the timing of her feedings that day, since she wakes up at different times in the morning) and before that feeding we put her in a super-absorbent nighttime diaper and her miracle blanket. In the blanket it's usually a cinch to rock her to sleep for the night after she's eaten.
    • Cloth diapering is going great, but we do have a huge box of Costco brand disposables sitting in her closet, for traveling to grandparents' houses over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I freely admit that I am going to enjoy the laundry holidays. They are like extra birthday and Christmas presents (my birthday is right after Thanksgiving: Dec 1). I know I will also be glad to get back home and put her in cloth again.
    • What I'm looking forward to in her third month: laughing! Bring it on, I can't wait to hear the giggles.
    • A question for the upcoming holiday season: should we call up R and G and invite them to a get-together? I'm conflicted because the season is hard on many people who don't have intact families, for whatever reason, and I don't want to add to their sadness by asking them to see Evie during that time. I predict that if I issued an invitation, they might feel conflicted for the same reason. It might be similar to the way I used to feel about baby showers; I was happy for the couple and excited to buy a present and eat cake, but the whole premise of the event made me generally sad for a few days before and afterward. Any advice for me on this? It's a tough one, I think.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008

    Writing the "Dear Birthmother" or "Dear Special People" Letter

    Today Evie is 2 months old! I'm going to wait and write about it tomorrow, however, after we get back from her 2 month doctor visit. We're doing Dr. Sears' alternative vaccination schedule, so she'll only be getting the DTaP and Rotavirus vaccines tomorrow and we'll go back at 3 months for the Pc and HIB vaccines.

    If you are new to my blog, and this is the first post you have read, please go read this first before continuing to read this post. Thanks.

    So, today I'm going to tackle a very stressful topic (at least it was for us): writing the "Dear Birthmother" letter. I'm only calling it that in my title in order to catch some Google hits, because many people call it that, but our social worker advised us right away to address the letter "Dear Special People." She counseled us that it is not just the birth mother who reads the letter; often the birth father reads it, birth grandparents read it and friends or extended family members read it. Addressing "Dear Special People" sounds corny when you first hear it/write it, but it effectively includes every member of the birth family who may be reading the letter because they love the baby and care about his or her adoption plan. In the same vein, make sure that the entire letter is addressed to the "special people" and that you are not addressing just the birth mother by saying things like "your pregnancy."

    Here are some other general tips about writing the letter, garnered from conversations with our SW, our reading and our own experiences:

    • Keep the letter to no more than two pages long, shorter if possible. Often birth families read this letter as a part of looking at your profile; in our case, the letter was on pages 2 and 3 of our profile book. If you've done a good job at creating a fantastic profile (more on that in another post), the family will be eager to look at it and will be impatient with reading too much text. This task was very challenging for me because I have always been verbose in my writing!

    • Going along with this first point, put the most important information (vital stats about you) in the first 1/3 of the letter, so that if the birth parents skim the letter they will be more likely to read what you want them to see most.

    • Try not to gush (this is hard for me) because in a letter like this you risk appearing insincere or like you are exaggerating. Use precise, clear prose so that you leave an impression of openness and honesty. Avoid exaggeration, absolutes ("always," "never") and intensifiers ("very," "extremely").

    • Going along with the previous point, resist the temptation to "pad" your letter as you might a resume by exaggerating positive things about your life. You might think you know what birth parents want to hear, but you could be wrong. Birth parents often choose adoptive parents with whom they have something in common; if you exaggerate an aspect of yourself and a birth parent identifies with that part of your letter, you will have an awkward situation on your hands when you are at your match meeting and they try to strike up an in-depth conversation about whatever it is! If you are pursuing an open adoption, remember that this letter is addressed to people whom you will get to know well over the years; best to begin the relationship as honestly as possible.

    • Despite the previous point, don't reveal "too much" in the letter. For example, one of J's hobbies is home wine-making. We don't keep this a secret, but we also decided that it is the kind of thing that is better discussed in person, not written in a letter. If a birth parent were a recovering alcoholic, J's hobby might alarm the birth parent and cause them to stop considering us. On the other hand, once they have met us and seen that we are normal people, it is less likely that J's hobby would be an issue. In our letter, we chose to emphasize J playing the drums for our church band and his cooking skills, instead. At our match meeting we casually brought up his hobby by describing the European style dessert wine he was making that year and naming "Clio," (vintage 2008 of course). He chose this dessert wine because it should age well enough to be served at Evie's wedding some day.

    • Show, don't tell; paint a picture of what your life is like by using concrete examples and vivid imagery that describes the sounds, sights, smells, tastes and touches of your world. This helps birth parents imagine what the child's life will be like, in your home. For example, instead of saying "we are sports fans," say "Each Saturday in the fall, we gather with close friends in our cozy living room to watch U of ______ football, eat chips and salsa and unwind. We already have a tiny U of ______ jersey hanging in the closet of the nursery and we look forward to cuddling a baby as we cheer on the team." OK, so my replacement sentences were long, but you get the idea. This not only shows the birth parents who you are, it also demonstrates how you plan to smoothly add a baby to your life.

    • At some point in the letter, usually in the first or last paragraph, you make an "appeal" to the birth parents. The best way to do this is to 1. express your intentions to love their child unconditionally and forever, 2. empathize with how they must be feeling as they make an adoption plan, 3. describe the type of adoption you are looking for (level of openness, etc.) and 4. provide them with contact information (agency phone # or e-mail, usually) to learn more about you or meet you.

    • At some point in the letter, usually toward the beginning, you should briefly describe what life circumstances led to your decision to adopt a baby. Our SW said "they want to know specifically why you can't have biological children, but they don't want a blow-by-blow of each IUI." :)

    • Be sure to use emotion words (again, without gushing) because the birth parents are usually quite emotional as they are reading these letters and if they see emotion in your letter they are more likely to identify with you. But again, be honest about your emotions, don't exaggerate.

    • Describe your support system; clearly express how excited your parents are to be grandparents and that your friends have offered to help babysit, for example. The birth parents aren't just looking for a couple, they are looking for an extended family and a network of friends who will embrace your child.

    • If you already have children, it will come naturally to write about them in a loving way that will show the birth parents you are sensitive, caring parents. It is harder if you are childless, so think about the children in your life (nieces and nephews, younger cousins, friends' children) and add a cute or touching story about your relationship with a child. It will help paint a picture of what type of parent you will be. You can also use stories about your pets! :)

    • Paint a picture, with words of course, of your home and your neighborhood. Be sure to emphasize the school district if it is a good one. If you state the name of your town/city/neighborhood in the letter, it sends a clear message of openness to the birth family. Birth families are often very curious about adoptive families' homes and "a nice home" shows up on most top 10 lists of the things birth families care about in choosing an adoptive family. For J and I, this posed a challenge. We live in a 1960's era split-level that doesn't have a heck of a lot of curb appeal:
    • So, in our letter we overcame our lack of a "picture perfect" curb shot by describing our home and neighborhood: excellent schools, mature trees, quiet street (not a thoroughfare), large park nearby, mural in the nursery, hard wood floors in the house, large screened porch and deck...
    • Keep your paragraphs fairly short, as this will help the readers "flow" through the letter more smoothly and encourage them to keep reading. Nothing stops a reader and causes them to start skimming like a really long paragraph (I should offer cash prizes to people who read to the bottom of a lot of my posts!) Do as I say, not as I do.

    • Organize your content clearly into paragraphs so that you don't accidentally repeat yourself. An example outline is: 1. introduction, vital stats (age, length of marriage...), 2. description of infertility, 3. excitement about adoption/story about a relationship with a child, 4. description of pets, 5. description of job(s) and hobbies, 6. appeal

    • Proofread, proofread, proofread. Even though I am/was an English teacher, J and I sent our letter to about six different people (friends and family) to read and give us feedback about tone, content and conventions (spelling, grammar, etc.) Most of them gave us at least one truly helpful suggestion or correction.

    • Resist the urge to print the letter in a fancy font that is hard to read! Fonts with serifs (the little marks that stick out from the points/edges of letters) are easier to read. Use serifs, like this, not "sans serif" like this. Sans serif is easier to read on a computer screen, while fonts with serifs are easier to read on paper.
    • Finally, don't be afraid to use a template. If you find a "Dear Special People" letter that you really like, it is not plagiarism to take style and organization tips from it, as long as you change the content to describe yourselves. We English teachers know that writing a good letter doesn't require "re-inventing the wheel," so to speak.

    In conclusion, a few offers of help:

    • If anyone would like to read the letter that J and I wrote, e-mail me and if I recognize you as a "regular" reader I'll probably be happy to forward it to you.
    • If you ask me nicely and bribe me with cookies, I might even be willing to read your letter and offer my "English teachery" feedback; it's true, some of us get a kind of perverse pleasure from critiquing writing.
    • Or, if you want professional feedback from a birth mom and an adoptive mom, Lori just posted this today (we must be on the same wavelength!)

    ETA on 12-2-08: here's a recent post that builds on this one.

    Tomorrow: Evie's 2 month post, with cute pictures!
    Friday: more adoption info--I will try to tackle creating a profile. J has Friday off, so maybe I'll even get it done before midnight. Nablopomo is starting to feel like college: staying up late, writing frantically, to meet a deadline!

    Tuesday, November 18, 2008

    Being Open to Open Adoption

    If you are arriving at this post through a Google search and have never read my blog before, please go back and read this post first. Thank you.

    A few months ago I read a post in an online forum which was titled "Why I'll never have an open adoption." The post said, in effect, "Why should I share my child with another woman? I'm the one who is caring for him every day. I'm the one who has to get up with him in the middle of the night, discipline him and pay for his college. Why should she get to have all of the fun parts of motherhood while I do all of the work?"

    I didn't respond to the post at the time, but in my head I've been responding to it ever since. When I read it, it was June. We were in the beginning stages of open adoption with M & T and I was still wrestling with my own attitude toward open adoption. I can demonstrate this by linking back to a couple of my first posts in March: here I refer to being excited to meet M & T because "we'll get a better sense of whether or not they seem committed to letting us adopt Clio, and we'll be better able to predict what she'll look like eventually." Wow, I was looking at that match meeting selfishly. And the next post, in which I demonstrated that I still had a very superficial friendship with open adoption. Finally, my description of our match meeting, which is fairly superficial as well. These posts paint a picture of the war between my heart and my head at that time. My head was full of knowledge from the reading that I'd done, which had convinced me that open adoption is in the best interest of all members of the adoption triad. My heart was apprehensive at the thought of sharing my baby with anyone; infertility had made me greedy for a child. I was afraid of M & T because the mythology of open adoption said that they were unstable people whom I needed to tiptoe around and flatter, because our fate was in their hands. Later, I found out that M & T had been just as apprehensive about meeting J and I; they were afraid we would reject them, either because we wouldn't like them or because we would decide we didn't want a biracial baby after all. M later told me how relieved she was to walk into the room and meet us for the first time to find that we were both smiling at her. The match meeting with M & T and our first lunch together felt like first dates; it is stressful to begin and nurture such an important relationship.

    Our SW has said to us a few times that she believes birth families usually choose an adoptive family that is just like them, but a bit older and with a more stable life. In December 2007 we contacted her for a 6-month check-in (initiated by us). We fished for information about how often our profile had been shown (her policy is not to contact families until there is a potential match) and whether birth families had said anything about our letter or profile that we could improve. She reassured us that our letter and profile were wonderful and repeated "the right birth parents haven't found you yet; the birth parents I've had are choosing adoptive families who are like them in some important way..." At the time, I thought it was just a platitude, a line she delivered to keep us patient in our wait.

    However, when J and I have been matched, with both M & T and with R & G, her words have made complete sense. Although our initial contacts with M & T were awkward, we quickly developed a friendship with them (with M much more quickly than with T, as he was more reluctant to be open with us) and the better we knew them the more clearly we saw how they would fit into our lives and how we would fit into theirs; M's daughter asked to be our babysitter for Lucy and I readily agreed, simply asking her to take an infant CPR class (doesn't everyone ask that of a babysitter, or am I super paranoid?) and our time with them in the hospital during Lucy's birth was fun and friendly. Our openness with them made their final decision more difficult to accept, because it felt like a personal betrayal, but our experience getting to know them obviously changed my attitude toward open adoption; it is clear when I look back at the difference between the my early blog posts and the posts I wrote in the early days of our match with R & G.

    Yes, I was obsessed with comparing them to M & T and looking for signs that they would break our hearts again, but I was also eager to get to know them as individuals and show them that I cared about them, not just Evie. I am so relieved and happy that R came to Evie's baptism and that she has been visiting the private website we set up for them with pictures, etc. (it's similar to this one but private and with a higher picture to text ratio, hahahahaha!) Getting to know G has been wonderful and we hope for the same type of relationship with R. As we've gotten to know them both, we've seen parts of ourselves in them and parts of them in us, and our SW's words seem to me both wise and beautiful. We've created a new family with R & G and I'm flattered that we have things in common with them, just as all families do.

    *****
    If I were to come across that forum post today, here's what I would respond to the original poster (unless I was PMSing and then I might just chew her out):

    Assuming your child's birth parents are interested in open adoption, please consider being open to open adoption, as long as it is in the best interest of your child (as my SW puts it, open adoption doesn't work if birth parents are a danger to themselves or others). No two open adoptions are exactly alike, just as no two friendships are exactly alike. An open adoption is a relationship you build with one or both birth parents of your child. As with any relationship, the beginning might be awkward, but think of it this way: aren't many new friendships based on something you have in common? Yes, so what could be a more wonderful thing to have in common than love for a child? Is your family closed to new additions? Of course not; just as you would welcome a new niece or nephew, a new sister-in-law or brother-in-law, a new aunt or uncle, there is room in a family to welcome birth parents. Are you willing to share photos of your child with your friends? Of course, so think of how much more fun it is to share those photos with people who will think your baby is as cute as you do! Do you send out a Christmas letter to your friends and family during the holidays? Sure, so why not print one more copy and send it to you child's birth parents? They might be the only people who actually read it! Do you invite everyone you know to your house for a Christmas party, or to watch the Super Bowl, or for a BBQ on the 4th of July? You're already cleaning the house and putting a cute outfit on the baby, so why not invite the child's birth parents as well? You'll be pleasantly surprised at how gracious your friends and family will be; it will make you proud to know them (I speak from experience).

    You could look at this from another perspective: you're the one who gets to hug and kiss your child every day, the one who watches him grow and learn each day, the one who gets to take credit for all of the cute and smart things he does, the one who hears "I love you, Mommy" and whose arms comfort him when he is scared, sick and tired. Yet his birth mother is the woman who loved him so much that she decided against abortion; she is the woman who suffered the aches and pains of pregnancy and the agony of labor and delivery; she loved him enough to make an adoption plan for him and do the agonizing work of following through with the plan after his birth. When she read your profile, she saw something in your family that you can provide and she cannot. Despite the fact that her choice of your family springs out of a feeling of inadequacy or inferiority about her own situation, she has bravely opened herself up to a relationship with you. She sees something in your family that she desires in her own; you represent her hope for her own future, in some important way. Looked at from this perspective, why does she suffer so much for this child and yet not get to experience any of the fun stuff? Because she loves him.
    *****

    Caveats and Addendums:
    • Open adoption is not for everyone. If your child's birth parents are not capable of a healthy relationship with him or her, it is not in anyone's best interest to pursue open adoption at that point.
    • Sometimes birth parents are opposed to open adoption; regardless of their reason, adoptive parents must respect that decision.
    • Speaking from experience, let go of your fear that your child's birth parents will come to reclaim her if they know your address or if you invite them over to visit for her first birthday party. States have varying laws about when and how birth parents can contest an adoption, but in a domestic infant adoption it is rare to have this problem, unless the birth father was unidentified at the time of the adoption and is identified later.
    • My definition of open adoption: birth parents and adoptive parents share personal, identifying information (names, addresses, phone numbers, e-mail addresses) and build a mutually-agreed-upon relationship.
    • My definition of closed adoption: only first names and other non-identifying information is shared; birth parents and adoptive parents probably never meet and the adopted child has the option to search for his birth parents when he is 18.
    • My definition of semi-open adoption: the adoptive parents obtain identifying information from the birth parents in order to send them photos, letters, videos, etc. The adoptive parents do not share identifying information with the birth parents. The birth parents and adoptive parents may meet before the birth and at the birth, but rarely or never after the birth.

    I would never presume to recommend open adoption to everyone, because every adoption is different, but I am very glad I was open to open adoption.

    Readers, this topic is so big that I'm sure I've left important things out, despite my verbosity. Feel free to comment and add your own thoughts about this important adoption topic!

    Monday, November 17, 2008

    Video!

    I'm taking a break from adoption posts today and posting my first Evie video. This is Saturday, in her play gym. Enjoy the hiccups, smiles, cooing, sneezes, dancing, wiggling and yawns. Try to ignore my prattle in the background; sorry, I can't help it! The video is very long because every time I meant to turn off the camera she did something cute and I just kept it running. I give everyone official permission to skip to her beautiful smile at about the 1:28 minute mark. :) I just couldn't figure out a good way to edit it down because she peppers the whole thing with cuteness.

    video


    Tomorrow I'll continue my adoption post series with a post about open adoption, at Jessica's suggestion.

    Sunday, November 16, 2008

    Choosing an Adoption Agency

    If you are arriving at this post through a Google search and have never read my blog before, please go back and read this post first. Thank you.

    I will list several positive and negative aspects of our adoption agency, but before I give them I want to share the serendipitous story of how J and I ended up working with our agency. (Side note: I am happy to share the actual name and web address of our agency with any readers who are serious about working with our SW, just e-mail me. The link is in the sidebar.)

    My story stretches back to New Year's Eve 2004/2005, when we welcomed two sweet Korean boys into our home as short-term exchange students. They were attending a local Catholic K-8 school and studying English at the college in our town from 4-7 each evening. We learned about the "home stay" program from a woman who came to our church and spoke about these students, requesting families to sign up as host parents. J and I were intrigued at the idea and I was particularly thrilled because my family had had a wonderful experience hosting a foreign exchange student from Germany during my senior year of high school. Her name is Anne and we still refer to each other as a sister. (BTW: Evie and her daughter were born less than a day apart, and Anne and I are only 4 days apart in age!) Our boys were Frank, 7th grade, and Summer (the literal translation of his Korean name), 6th grade. Wow, we had no idea what we were in for, going from 0 to 60 as parents of middle school boys. Those of you who have boys that age will get a good chuckle at the thought of it, I'm sure. I have lots of good stories to tell from that time, like the time when Summer decided to boycott showering and we had no idea. But I digress...

    Having the boys led us to hosting a 23-year-old law student named Cristina, from Colombia. She was studying English at our local college because it would mean a higher salary after she graduated from law school in her country. Cristina and I had so much fun together during the summer of 2005, talking and drinking margaritas and watching CSI. We talked about my newly diagnosed infertility and she volunteered that her boyfriend's mother, back in Colombia, ran a large orphanage that cared for many infants and some of those infants were adopted by U.S. couples. We did some research and found that it would be almost impossible for us to adopt from FANA unless we lived in a handful of states, but our interest in international adoption was piqued.

    When we finally decided to abandon infertility treatments and adopt a baby, we sought an agency that would facilitate an adoption from Latin America, because of our connection to Cristina. We were overwhelmed by the number of options out there and finally decided on B.ethany C.hristian S.ervices (BCS) because 1. they are a non-profit, 2. we knew a casual acquaintance who'd worked with them to adopt a baby girl from China and 3. hey, they are Christian, we are Christians, it just made sense, right? Nope. I am not going to go into the full story here because it really deserves its own post (if you are considering using BCS just e-mail me and I'll share more if you like) but we found BCS to be disorganized, unreliable, overly bureaucratic and money-grubbing.

    Around the time that we were ending our relationship with BCS, I was also going through a very dark period in my life. I'm not going to go into detail with this, either, because it, too, deserves its own post. Anyhow, I ended up asking my pastor for a referral to a Christian counselor, where I spent some very difficult and weepy hours, grieving the death of my dream for a biological child and trying to reconcile my pain with God's love for me. During one session I mentioned what was going on with BCS and my counselor brought up that her sister had adopted a 3-month-old baby boy from a local orphanage through a small agency, nearby in Kansas. She got our SW's contact information from her sister and during the next session gave it to me.

    I have to pause here to acknowledge that all of us who are in the process of adopting are inundated by well-meaning friends and family members recommending one agency or another "because I know someone who adopted a baby with them..." and if you follow up on every agency lead you get you'll go nuts.

    However, the recommendation by my counselor felt right; the agency she was recommending was not in another state, was not a big, national, bureaucratic monster, it was a small local agency run by a licensed social worker. Here are the things we like/love about our agency:

    • It is a sole-proprietorship and the owner is a social worker with a master's degree in the field of SW.

    • Our SW has over 26 years of experience in SW and over 20 years of experience in the field of adoption.

    • She is local and we were able to meet one-on-one with her several times and develop a personal relationship and friendship with her. She counseled me for free after we lost Lucy.
    • She makes herself available by cell phone 24/7 once couples are matched with a birth family.

    • She personally visits families while they are in the hospital during the birth and relinquishment of a baby.

    • She also has contacts with reputable international orphanages and organizations and offers international adoption as an option to adoptive families.

    • She does not advertise her agency but instead accepts clients through word-of-mouth referrals. This decision to avoid advertising is an ethical one and is meant to make ensure that no families are lured into the process; all families who work with her are so sure of their choice that they have sought her out. This goes for birth families, too.

    • Because of this, her pool of waiting families stays small and the couples she works with never feel "lost in the pool."

    • Despite her lack of advertising, she has a steady stream of birth families asking to work with her because she has established an excellent reputation in our community for ethics and for facilitating open adoptions.

    • She requires extensive counseling for all birth moms and strongly encourages counseling for birth fathers as well. She does not allow them to select an adoptive family until the third trimester, when birth mothers are more likely to be certain of their choice to make an adoption plan. She offers and encourages counseling for birth mothers post-placement, as well.
    • Adoptive families pay for the birth families' counseling whether or not the adoption is finalized.
    • She highly recommends open adoption and makes sure that all of her clients understand it thoroughly before she allows them to decide in favor of it or against it.
    • She does not advertise placement rates, does not try to improve placement rates beyond the counseling policies I just described, and follows all ethical guidelines of her profession.
    • She requires reading from both adoptive and birth parents before she will work with them.
    • She matches birth parents with adoptive families outside her agency, as is necessary for the best interest of the child, and also locates birth families from outside her agency who are excellent matches for adoptive parents in her agency. This is called networking, it requires a lot of energy and organization from our SW and she does charge an extra fee because of it. However, I believe it is an ethical fee because she is seeking matches in the best interest of the children involved.
    • She is happy to put together home studies for families and then have them choose not to use her agency for their adoption.
    • She is open and honest about the serious issues that can occur in adoption. Specifically, when we first met with her we were still interested in international adoption. She confronted us with some disturbing facts about Guatemalan adoptions and gave us further information about international adoption (specifically the Hague Adoption Convention underway and the effect it would have on international adoptions). She presented us with the facts about domestic adoption and dispelled the myths we still harbored (e.g. domestic infant adoption usually costs $40,000; there are so few infants whose birth parents make adoption plans that we would be waiting 4 years or more; the birth parents have the right to take the child back). Between the information she provided and our reading of Dear Birthmother, we chose domestic adoption.
    • Finally, she is a genuinely friendly and empathetic person. She is easy to talk to and a good listener. You can see in her eyes, facial expressions and body language, and hear in her voice, as well as her words, how much she deeply cares about the work that she does.

    From my limited experience with adoption, I am happy with our agency and we plan to use our SW again when we adopt for a second time. However, there are things we do not prefer about our agency:

    • Our SW makes her living from this agency; it is not a non-profit. This is a conflict of interest for her because her salary depends on keeping up a steady pace of adoptions. Some SWs in this position might be tempted to match birth and adoptive families who are not exactly right for each other, in order to pay their bills. We are comfortable that this is not the case for our SW because her husband has a high-profile job with a huge salary (i.e. she doesn't "need" the money), she charges very reasonable fees and she does not advertise her agency.
    • Our SW doesn't offer support groups and other opportunities for birth families, adoptive families and adopted children to meet, mingle and support each other. There is one BBQ each summer that is an official "open adoption reunion" event for birth families and adoptive families to all hang out together and eat and talk for a Saturday afternoon. We went this summer and it was fun, but once a year seems like a token effort. However, our SW and her family organize the event themselves, so I would think she would need to hire extra staff in order to add more events and support groups.

    These are the factors that we have found important in our agency and are factors that other adoptive families may consider as they select an agency to assist and represent them through the adoption process.

    Readers, what factors have I missed that are also important in choosing an agency? Feel free to leave a comment and add to my list.

    There are thousands of adoption agencies and facilitators in the U.S. and searching for the right one can feel overwhelming. Many couples feel so confused about this choice that they simply choose a large agency whose name they have heard before (much as some people visit a new city and decide to eat at Applebee's because they just aren't sure about the local restaurants). These large agencies have their place and I'm sure there are wonderful people working there who deeply desire the best result for all members of the adoption triad. However, they just weren't for J and I. If you've worked with a large national agency or another type of agency that is different from the agency J and I worked with, please comment and give us some of the pros and cons of the agency you used. Thanks!

    If you want to find an agency similar to the one J and I used, I would suggest calling up local adoption attorneys, hospitals, churches and pregnancy support centers. These are all sources of referrals to small, local agencies. Another strategy would be to find a local adoption support group (for adoptive couples) and use the inevitable mingling period before and after the meeting to inquire about the agencies that other families have used and get the scoop about the pros and cons of each.

    Here is another perspective on this topic, from Lori. (added 11-18-08)

    Saturday, November 15, 2008

    Nets and Jeans

    I'm still writing about choosing an agency today/tonight, but I had to add a bonus post because I have cute pictures and something amusing to share. Because I'm posting this now, I'll probably post the agency one at 2 AM. Sigh.

    Anyhow, today was a huge milestone for Evie: her first blue jeans! These were a present from her Aunt Angela. They are 6 month size and fit around her hips (because of the diaper) but are too big around the waist and way too long. They comes so far up her belly that J and I were joking about "mom jeans." Too cute:

    One of J's projects for today was putting up a stuffed animal net in Evie's nursery. Here is the result. I love that it seems her animals are hanging out in a tree house! They will probably stay just like this for 3 years since none of them are approved for children under 3 years old. :)
    J also put up two more stuffed animal nets, after connecting them into a square with zip ties. He put them up as a kind of acrobat's safety net over our basement stairs. In Evie's five week post I referred to an incident when she threw herself toward them as I was walking by the railing (if you follow that link back, scroll down to the bottom of the post, it's a looong one). It freaked me out so much that I started nagging J to come up with a solution. Our house was built in the 1960's and originally the only way into the basement was through the garage. The basement is huge, though, and the original owners (we are the second owners after the original owners lived here for almost 40 years) decided to finish the basement. Having a finished basement is nice (well, it was nice when they did it in the 70's, now the panelling is just depressing...) but it is inconvenient to have a finished basement that is only accessible through the garage. So, they made a hole in the kitchen floor and put in some very steep stairs leading down into the basement. The hole in the floor is surrounded by a non-code wrought iron railing. We need to replace this soon because it is sure to trap Evie's head at some point if we don't. Back to my point, as you walk through the kitchen you walk by this wrought iron railing, which is effective at preventing J and I (clumsy as we are) from falling down the stairwell. However, our main phone is mounted on the wall over the stairwell and occasionally we don't get it seated correctly in the base and it falls to its "death" down the steep staircase. We have dropped enough things over this railing (accidentally) to know that the fall is not a kind one. When I was hanging up the phone with Evie on my shoulder and she threw her torso toward the stairwell, I practically fainted with fear. I am absolutely certain that a fall over this railing would kill Evie. After the scare, I sat J down and lectured him about how we both need to keep both hands on Evie at all times when we are walking around with her. That's all well and good, but this is even better:
    Funny-looking but effective. The nets are advertised to hold up to 30 pounds. No, we have not tested the net by putting Evie into it, and if J does so when I'm asleep I don't want to know about it. This post gets my first "baby proofing" label, but it's more like parent proofing. Our phone is relieved, too.

    Friday, November 14, 2008

    Eight Weeks

    I'm going to save some info from this week for Evie's "Two Months" post, since it is 11:20 as I'm starting this. Her 2 month post will probably get posted on November 20th after her 2 month doctor appointment.
    • Evie is endearing herself to us by sleeping through the night (7-8 hours). The past few nights she's slept from approximately 10 pm to 5 or 6 am. I think we'll keep her! (wink) Unfortunately, my mother warns me that this doesn't mean she'll stay this way. Apparently, my brother slept through the night early on but then woke up for an early morning feeding for a long time, starting at about 3 months old. We'll have to wait and see.
    • This week we did the official transition from 0-3 month clothes into 3-6 month clothes. She would still be in 0-3 if it weren't for her fluffy cloth diapers, though.
    • This week we started a mama/baby aerobics class called "Burn, Baby, Burn." It burns, it burns! Evie sleeps through most of it until we use the babies during stretching at the end, but my quads and hamstrings are killing me. I haven't done aerobics like that in too long. The instructor also teaches the "boot camp" class and I don't think she sees a big difference between boot campers and new moms. It is probably easier for me since I didn't go through pregnancy and L&D but I have to say that the state of my flabby stomach would lead some to believe I had given birth. Sad, but true. Baby aerobics is about 100 times harder than baby yoga. Big surprise. The yoga this morning was a welcome chance to stretch out the muscles that I abused on Tuesday and Thursday.
    • Today, really just today, after I've been complaining to everyone who will listen to me that Evie doesn't smile enough at me and that I'm jealous of her smiling at Rabbit and at J, after all of the angst, Evie finally seems to understand that I covet her smiles. She has started offering them, not generously, but benevolently. Here are a couple of shots that come closest to capturing a smile:

      By the way, all of the pictures in this post were taken today. We've fallen into a phase of parenting where the camera isn't glued to our hands anymore. Evie is on her tummy in the previous picture because we've started doing some tummy time before and/or after diaper changes, since she loves her changing table so much. Here's our little genius showing off her neck control:With each passing week and each passing day, Evie gets more and more excited about play time. I'll try to upload some video of this eventually, but she is so wiggly these days, waving her hands to bat the toys and kicking her legs. She also, unfortunately, likes to wiggle and kick in the bath now. The past two baths have ended up with my clothes and the kitchen floor wet. Perhaps we need to move to the tub? Here is Evie kicking and wiggling in her play gym:


      Tomorrow I'll resume my posts about adoption and write about choosing an agency.

    Thursday, November 13, 2008

    Domestic vs. International Infant Adoption

    ***ETA on 11/16: If you are arriving at this post through a Google search and have never read my blog before, please go back and read this post first. Thank you.***

    ***ETA on 11-15-08: In this series of posts I am only addressing the types of adoption with which I am familiar. H.S. requested that I tell her about our experience with domestic infant adoption and I'm only adding international infant adoption because J and I considered this option at the beginning of our adoption story and so we have done reading and research on the subject. Because we were adopting after infertility, we deeply desired to adopt an infant and we never did much reading or research about adopting older children, either domestically or internationally. Because I have little to no experience with adopting toddlers, older children, foster-to-adopt or special needs adoptions, I am not going to discuss them here. I have absolutely zero qualification to do so and don't want to pretend that I do. Needless to say, these types of adoptions are wonderful and necessary, but I will let other blogs address them.

    Also, it might seem heartless to list money as a factor when choosing one type of adoption over another, but in my experience talking to couples who wish to adopt, financial constraints are a huge concern when investigating their options. Babies are not a commodity and should never be "bought and sold," but the reality is that adoption has associated costs and I would rather discuss that fact openly than cloak it in secrecy and pretend it isn't a factor. In my experience, things we don't discuss openly are things that exert inordinate power over our thoughts and emotions.

    I thought it went without saying, but apparently I was wrong: all couples who desire to adopt an infant should go into the process putting the needs and rights of the child before any other considerations. Adoptions should meet the "burning building test," as described by Lori in one of her blog posts. Without betraying R and G's privacy by going into detail, I want to say that Evie's adoption meets this burning building test and J and I do not feel that any element of her adoption was unethical. Please read my pros and cons below as just what they are: considerations that prospective adoptive parents discuss when beginning the process. At that point, the child and birth family in the adoption triad are still hypothetical. Once the other members of the triad are specific flesh and blood people, the best interest of the child obviously trumps the best interest of the adoptive parents. My list below is focused on the needs of the adoptive parents because that is how many couples begin the process. Perhaps we should all start the process differently, but my writing here is intended to be descriptive, not proscriptive.***

    Pros of Domestic Adoption:

    • usually lower travel costs

    • domestic infant adoptions are usually of younger infants/newborns so that you can bond with the baby from the beginning

    • usually fewer cultural and language barriers between you and the other members of the adoption triad

    • can be less expensive (lower travel costs, again, and no fee to pay the country of origin)

    • tax credit applies whether or not the adoption succeeds

    Cons of Domestic Adoption:

    • usually the birth parents choose the adoptive parents, adding an element of uncertainty to the waiting period

    • it is more likely to have a failed adoption (i.e. the birth family changing their minds)

    • can be more expensive (medical costs for birth mother if there are complications or a C-section and no insurance)

    • going back to point 1: usually the birth parents choose the adoptive parents, adding a stressful element of choosing teams in gym class to the already stressful decision to adopt
    • ETA: you will be "competing" for fewer available infants and the other adoptive couples will always seem to have better jobs and prettier houses. :)

    Pros of International Adoption:

    • (NB: I'm not good with this category since we didn't choose this option)
    • Frequently you get on a waiting list with a country and you're virtually guaranteed a baby at some point, which is not the case with domestic adoption.
    • The families I know who've adopted internationally say that the multicultural nature of their family has enriched their lives immeasurably and that they are very happy with their decision.
    • Related to the last point, international adoption is a way to connect in a personal way with a culture that you admire, or one from which you are descended.
    • This reason is one I'm uncomfortable mentioning since it's not in my worldview, but some people want to avoid open adoption altogether; international adoptions are rarely open.
    • Related to the last point, in international adoption it is more common for the adoptive parents to "choose" the child, as opposed to being chosen by a birth family. For those of us (myself wholeheartedly included) who have some control issues, this is very comforting. ETA: this point is poorly worded, but what I mean is that infertility causes feelings of loss of control over your body, your future and your family. Waiting to find out if a birth family has chosen you is similar to the 2WW to find out if an fertility treatment cycle has been successful. The "out of control" feeling is so difficult to deal with for some couples that they would prefer not to go through it by adopting a domestic infant.
    • Failed adoptions are usually a result of the country's laws and policies, which is less personal than having a birth parent change their mind and, while no less painful, is at least something you can rationalize and work on, by "lobbying" the country (I've heard of this but never known anyone who's done it).
    • Failed international adoptions are less common than failed domestic adoptions. ETA: international birth parents have fewer resources and rights, which is why they change their minds less often. This is an ethical issue of which couples should be aware when choosing international adoption. I am sure that the "failure" or "interruption" rate for international adoptions would be just as high as with domestic adoption if those international birth families had the same options and opportunities as U.S. Citizens do. Also, a reader pointed out to me that while international adoptions are less likely to fail before the adoption is final, they are more likely to fail after the adoption is final, as a result of physical, psychological, emotional and social issues with the adopted child that lead the adoptive family to seek a new home for their child.
    • Can be less expensive because medical care is less expensive in other countries (don't get me started...)

    Cons of International Adoption:

    • (NB: I'm a little too good with this category since we didn't choose this option)
    • Often higher travel costs and other costs such as using vacation days or sick time to travel to the country.
    • You almost never get to meet the baby on their actual birth day the way we did with Evie; usually babies are at least 3 months old and often more that six months old before you get to meet them and/or bring them home. This issue is huge to me because I already obsess about whether or not Evie is bonding to me (see her Six Week post...) and I would be verklempt about trying to bond with a 3-month-old, let alone a 12-month-old. But that's just me?
    • Sometimes your communications with agencies/orphanages/lawyers/etc. while in country are made hair-rending by language barriers (I have heard). Translators are another $$$.
    • Can be more expensive. You still have to pay those blood-sucking lawyers in your own country but you also often have to pay a hefty "tax" to the government of the country. I don't know about all of you, but on principle that ticks me off. I think it gets under my skin because I perceive that the countries are taking advantage of the supposed "rich Americans."
    • No tax credit for a failed adoption
    • Often you have no opportunity to meet or have an open relationship with the child's birth family. Read about open adoption to find out why that's a big deal to me.
    • In some countries, children have been waiting in orphanages where they have received inadequate attention and therefore exhibit "failure to thrive;" they are behind on developmental milestones, smaller than a U.S. baby of the same age, less healthy and sometimes have social/emotional/psychological delays as well. Most parents who adopt internationally are eager to nurture these children and bring them up to age-appropriate weight and development/behavior, but it is a lot of extra work and stress and definitely falls in the "cons" category. ETA: sometimes a child's emotional and psychological issues do not resolve despite the love, attention and resources poured into them by their adoptive family, creating a difficult and sometimes tragic situation for everyone involved.
    • The biggie deal-breaker reason J and I abandoned international adoption: sometimes countries' laws and guidelines just don't make sense in U.S. culture. For us it was the fact that other countries often make certain drugs available OTC that are RX only in the U.S. Because of this, the only people on RX drugs in those countries are people with really serious illnesses, and the countries are biased against adoptive families with one or more parents on RX medicines (talk about cultural misunderstanding!). In our case, the first agency we worked with told me that to adopt from Latin America I would need to be off my Zyrtec for the entire 1-2 year adoption process (it was still RX at that point). No way! I have both indoor and outdoor allergies and I would be miserable without my Zyrtec; it is the only allergy med that works for me. I still think it's ridiculous that there is a baby in Colombia or Guatemala who might have been our child except for the fact that I have allergies. Give me a break!

    OK, readers, what points am I missing here? I know there are several but it's 11:55 and I must post now! :) ETA: I've gone back and added some points that I missed, but feel free to leave comments with additional factors that I've inadvertently left out.

    Wednesday, November 12, 2008

    Suggested Reading Before Adoption

    ***ETA on 11/16: If you are arriving at this post through a Google search and have never read my blog before, please go back and read this post first. Thank you.***

    Of course I have a pro-reading bias, since I am/was an English teacher, but I think that doing serious reading before deciding to adopt is particularly important because it is so difficult to find quality information online. When J and I were getting frustrated with infertility treatments and wanted to pursue adoption, we started with some Google searches and were overwhelmed with the quantity of information available. Unfortunately, some of the top search hits are national agencies, which didn't end up being helpful (more on that in a different post). Other sites offered general information about adoption for couples like us, but they were so vague that they created questions more than answering them. Plus, many of the important adoption issues were glossed over. Adoption blogs like this do offer some good information, but because they are about personal experiences they are not general enough to help people at the beginning stages of the process.

    Which is a long-winded way of saying: even if you aren't a pleasure reader, you must read books before you adopt. Period. Don't argue with me. There will be a quiz on Friday worth 20 points and...sorry...

    • Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber; this book is required reading for domestic adoption since most domestic adoptions have some degree of openness these days. Silber's book gives insight into the perspectives of each member of the adoption "triad" (adoptive family, birth family and the child). If you are suspicious about open adoption, read this book. If you think you want an open adoption, read this book. If you want to understand birth familes better, read this book. If you want to understand adoptive families better, read this book. It would be beneficial for those looking into international adoption, too.

    • Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew; our SW calls this "the scary book." Why? Because these are 20 things adopted kids wish their parents knew, meaning they have had a good reason not to just mention these things in casual conversation. This book was written by an adopted child who did not have a very open, communicative relationship with her birth and adoptive families, with regard to her adoption. She goes into the emotional and psychological wounds that some adopted kids and adults suffer. Don't read this book first because it will make you feel discouraged about the adoption process. The correct way to read this book is as an eye-opening reality check of what can happen if you don't approach your child's adoption in a healthy way. Other books provide strategies for communicating with your child about their adoption so that these twenty things are minor issues for the child and not major traumas. This book is equally applicable to domestic and international adoptions.

    • Making Sense of Adoption: A Parent's Guide; this book is like an instruction manual for dealing with the issues that arise among the adoption triad, from birth to the teen years (as described in Twenty Things...). J and I appreciated that this book painted a picture of what raising a child in an open adoption might look like. It eases the fear that Twenty Things... created in our minds. This book reminded me of some of my child psychology training in college because it presents adoption in terms of developmental milestones for the child. This book is equally applicable to domestic and international adoptions.

    • Inside Transracial Adoption; even though we didn't end up adopting transracially, we were open to transracial adoption and Lucy's adoption was going to be a transracial adoption. Before you consider adopting a child from outside your own race, whether domestic or international, you must read a book like this one. Talk about a reality check, this book lays out clearly what you are taking on by choosing to adopt a child from a different race. It does not discourage you from doing so, but it makes sure that you go into the experience with the knowledge and tools you need to do it successfully. The most significant idea I took away from this book is that for a child like Evie, her status as an adopted child "belongs" to her. The three of us can decide who gets to know what about her adoption; we don't have to discuss it with grocery store clerks. In a transracial adoption, the child's adoptive status doesn't just belong to the child and the family, it is out in the open for everyone to comment on. That brings up extra challenges for the family. This book gives suggestions for diffusing those issues and also helps adoptive families understand why some people will disagree with their decision to adopt transracially, and how to talk to those people.

    • The Complete Book of International Adoption: A Step by Step Guide to Finding Your Child; this book is the best book out there for International Adoption and if you are considering adopting internationally you must read this book or a similar book so that you know what the entire process will entail. The best thing about this book is that it is easy to compare and contrast the adoption processes for many different countries; the author doesn't write generally about the process and lump South American adoptions in with Asian and Eastern European adoptions. The only weakness of a book like this is that some of the specific requirements to adopt from a particular country can change rapidly. This book also gets into some of the specific "adoption issues" related to adopting transnationally and how to deal with those issues as they arise in your family.

    To readers who have adopted: what books did you read that were particularly helpful in preparing you for what adoption was like and what raising adopted kids is like?

    Tuesday, November 11, 2008

    For H. S.: Successful Domestic Infant Adoption

    I've been meaning to write this post for days. The impetus was a Facebook message from a blog reader back in late September, right after Evie was born. This reader, H. S., asked for some advice about adopting because she might want to to replicate our experience with domestic infant adoption. At the time I was overwhelmed at the idea of replying back because there is so much to say on the topic. I didn't start blogging until we were matched with Lucy, so I haven't yet documented much if anything about our process before that point. H.S. and I tried to connect over the phone but are both so busy that it hasn't happened. So, I decided that if I'm going to type up all of my thoughts, I might as well put it out there for everyone! I'm going to put up a series of posts over the next several days, covering many aspects of adoption. If you aren't in the process of adopting or considering adoption, this might not be interesting, so just skip it! :)

    Before I get started on this series, a disclaimer: each adoption is unique, of course, and my comments and advice here are purely based on my experiences, my reading, talking to other adoptive couples, talking to our social worker and lawyer and other conversations with friends. I am by no means an expert on this subject, except for the fact that J and I did manage to successfully adopt a healthy domestic newborn and I have a "know-it-all" personality. :)


    Here's what I plan to cover:
    • Deciding to adopt: suggested reading
    • Choosing international vs. domestic adoption
    • Choosing an agency
    • Writing the "Dear Special People" letter
    • Creating a profile
    • Talking to friends and family about adoption

    To H.S. and others: any other topics you'd like me to cover? Leave a comment and I'll try to address it. I was going to start out tonight with the first topic and write about good books about adoption, but here it is 11:42 PM and I need to post this to make my nablopomo deadline! So, until tomorrow.

    Monday, November 10, 2008

    Miscellany

    Today I have some miscellaneous photos to share and a couple of anecdotes. Tomorrow I'm going to start a series of posts about our adoption experiences pre-blog.

    Let's start with a pic of Evie, happily wrapped in her miracle blanket. We love this blanket; it is the only swaddling blanket we've heard of or found that actually keeps a baby's arms swaddled, since it's their arms that tend to wake newborns up when they startle in their sleep. The first time we used it, Evie fussed and seemed to hate it, but now she relaxes as soon as we start to swaddle her and seems to love it. This in combination with a super-absorbent diaper and a full tummy equals up to seven straight hours of sleep. Yay! (The polka-dot bib is for the feeding that is about to happen in this pic, it is not part of the blanket.)
    Here's a pic of my dad with Evie; my mom just uploaded it to Snapfish yesterday and it's better than the pic I posted before:
    Our little fish-face:


    Evie as a ladybug on Halloween. She hated the costume so much that we never got any really good pics of her in it. Darn.

    Such a cutie pie:

    Here's a pic of Evie as she is being baptized:


    And a couple of close-ups of her looking angelic in her christening gown:



    Finally, the anecdotes:
    A month or so ago, J said something funny that I meant to mention and kept forgetting. We were talking about Evie's neck and how stressful it was to always be worrying about supporting her head. J said he didn't think it must be that important since the hospital lets you take a newborn home without putting them in a neck brace first. Maybe it's only funny to us, but we cracked up at the idea of an aisle in Babies 'R' Expensive full of infant neck braces in beige, light pink and baby blue.
    Finally, I've been meaning to mention a strange nightmare/delusion that I've had several times in the past weeks. What happens is that I'm in a deep sleep and cuddling a pillow (I must have a cuddle pillow in order to sleep well) and Evie will start crying from her crib or moses basket. As her wails intensify and begin to wake me up, I somehow believe that I have been co-sleeping and cuddling her and that she is trapped inside my pillow. Yep. I start kneading my cuddle pillow, believing that I can feel her little body inside it and searching for an opening to pull her out before she suffocates. Finally, I wake up enough to realize that she isn't inside my pillow and I get out of bed and go tend to her. Thankfully, as the weeks have gone by I've had this nightmare less and I've woken up/come to my senses more quickly. It is so strange to have my emotions go from panic to embarrassment so quickly! I always feel silly once I realize that I'm having the same nightmare again, but in the moment it is terrifying to feel that she's in danger. Has anyone had any similar nightmares?





    Sunday, November 9, 2008

    Evie's Baptism

    It's been a week since Evie's baptism, but I've had the pictures since mid-week. I have kept putting off posting about it because there is so much to say about that morning and how wonderful it was to have R, G and G's mother and teenage son there, along with all four of Evie's grandparents. It's been a busy weekend, though, and I find myself at 10:30 PM needing to get this posted quickly in order to meet my nablopomo quota! Hopefully Evie will stay asleep, so that I can finish. Here's a pic of the three of us, after the service:We knew that G would be there, and he had said he would be bringing members of his family (we knew his mom would be there), but we weren't sure about R. When we got to the church, I took Evie back to the nursery to change her out of her romper outfit (her christening gown wouldn't work with the car seat!) and into her gown. As J's mom and I walked back down the hallway toward the sanctuary, we saw G and R and G's family coming in the door at the other end. We were all smiles and after saying hello I immediately offered Evie to R and she beamed with joy as she took Evie in her arms and snuggled with her. Evie was drifting in and out of consciousness the whole morning, and I don't remember whether or not she was awake at that point, but she was a little angel in both behavior and appearance. As R held Evie, I introduced our parents and friends to R and G and his family and we talked about Evie and all of her skills and developments. The time flew by and we had to get into the sanctuary for the start of the service. J and I sat front and center because of our role, and I held Evie through the hour. R and G and G's family sat nearby but behind my field of vision, so I didn't see them a lot during the service. My family tells me that they seemed to enjoy the service. Evie slept through most of it, including the parts where J and I promised to raise her as a Christ-follower. She woke up, however, as I passed her to our pastor and she kept her eyes open as he scooped up water with a seashell and carefully poured it over her head three times. She just gazed at him and the congregation serenely and then went back to sleep as soon as she was returned to my arms. It was adorable. We have video, so I'll try to figure out how to upload that eventually. It was going to write something about why we had Evie baptized as an infant, but Payton was baptized on the same day and Diana put it so well that I'm just going to link to her and say: "Ditto."After the service, we asked them to stick around for cupcakes and conversation. We enjoyed chatting, mostly about Evie of course, and sent G home with almost a dozen cupcakes. It was adorable to see R and G cuddling Evie and discussing how she has G's cheeks and R's nose and might have R's blue eyes. We also took some wonderful pictures of R and G with Evie and J and I and Evie with R and G, as well as the whole family, including adoptive and birth grandparents. I'm not comfortable sharing them online, but they will be treasures for Evie's scrapbooks. Here's a picture of us with Evie's grandparents. It is difficult to get them all together at once, so photos like this are going to be almost as rare as photos with R and G! At various points during the morning, both G and R and G's mother teared up as they looked at Evie, held her and talked about her. They all expressed how wonderful it was to be there and thanked us for inviting them. I had first broached a general invite to G while we were still at the hospital on Evie's birth day, so I imagine this day was something they were looking forward to for weeks. It must have been difficult for them to leave the church that day, knowing that our next scheduled get-together isn't until summer, when our agency has an open adoption reunion BBQ. We're keeping them updated with photos, but of course it's nothing like holding her.

    I'm/we're so happy that both R and G were able to be there. It was beautiful to see our parents chatting with them and to see more of R, since we didn't interact with her much in the hospital. The baptism gave me hope that we'll be able to stay in contact with R through the years and be open with her, as long as she stays OK with that. She said some very sweet things, like "I couldn't have asked for a better couple to be Evie's parents" and "I love that her hair color is the same as Karen's; it was meant to be!" (of course who knows what Evie's hair color will be once she's out of the baby phase...). It is nice to hear those things for myself, of course, but I wasn't feeling insecure about the adoption since it was final at that point. More than being reassuring to me, those statements gave me hope that R is finding a place of healing for herself, enough that she'll be able to have some openness with Evie.

    R and G are special people and I was proud to introduce them to our parents and friends. Because of what happened with Lucy in particular, and because of the mythology surrounding adoption in general, it is easy for people to stereotype or judge birth families, either unconsciously or consciously. Researching and reading about open adoption is a partial cure, but nothing breaks down those misconceptions like a face-to-face meeting and conversation with someone. I'm grateful that now our friends and family can tell Evie "oh, your birth parents are wonderful people!" and mean it, not as a platitude but as a heart-felt certainty. It was a beautiful day.






    Saturday, November 8, 2008

    Seven Weeks

    Yesterday Evie turned seven weeks old. I didn't have time to write a full post about it because Jen is here visiting for the weekend and we stayed busy all day. Today has been full as well, so I'm keeping this brief. Here is Jen with Evie:Thanks so much to Jen for flying out to visit and help out for the weekend. She's pregnant with her second child and allergic to our dogs, so I feel very loved that she still wanted to come see us and help do dishes and hold Evie while I do laundry and brush my teeth. (Thanks to her parents, too, for watching her son, Eric, over the weekend.)

    This week, I feel as though Evie is growing before my eyes. I've realized, seemingly all at once, how much longer and chubbier she is getting. Six week growth spurt? I weighed her with my inexact bathroom scale method and she appears to be about 11.5 lbs. There are a couple of 0-3 month outfits that no longer fit (mainly because of her fluffy diapers). Look at my adorable little pudge!

    Week seven has been the week of being sick and even though Evie and I have been under the weather, she's continued to grow and develop. Her neck control gets better, she smiles more and her "playing" is more enthusiastic every day. I'm feeling better today and since I got the cold the day before she did (I'm pretty sure I gave it to her), she should be feeling better tomorrow.

    The promised baptism post will also finally happen tomorrow!

    Friday, November 7, 2008

    Playing with Daddy
















    Thursday, November 6, 2008

    Tricky Mommy

    I think I mentioned in a previous post that we hadn't been using the moses basket as much, because J doesn't sleep well with Evie in the room, and she sleeps best in her crib at night. This week I've been sick and needed to have a place to put Evie at a moment's notice because it's hard to blow my nose with her in my arms. Yuck. So I brought our moses basket and its rocking stand downstairs to the TV room. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before, but Evie takes great naps like this:
    (p.s. that's Phoebe's rear end to the right of the rockers; she is still a faithful guard.) I think that Evie sleeps well in the TV room because the sound of the TV in the background masks other ambient noises that might wake her, and perhaps hearing the TV tricks her into thinking she's still in my arms, being rocked in the leather armchair? Whatever, it works for us.

    Hopefully I won't turn her into an adult that likes to sleep with the TV on all the time; J and I don't even have a TV in our bedroom. But she is still sleeping well at night with silence in her nursery, so I'm encouraged.

    Random factoid #1: her acne is almost gone now.

    Random factoid #2: I appear to have high frequency hearing loss? We have a thermometer and I've been taking Evie's temp under her arm a couple of times a day to make sure she hasn't developed a fever to go with her cough, sniffles and sneezes. Apparently the darn thing beeps when it's done reading her temp, and J can hear it, but I can't. I feel old, and I'm only 30! And J is the one who listens to his mp3 player while mowing the lawn (a big hearing loss no-no) whereas I rarely use headphones to listen to music, preferring speakers.

    Wednesday, November 5, 2008

    A Quilt from Grandma

    This weekend my mom brought Evie a quilt that she's been working on for months and months, I *think* since before we were matched with Lucy. It is a Classic Pooh theme, of course, to match Evie's nursery. My mom has been buying every Classic Pooh fabric she could get ahold of, for years (ever since we started TTC). It is absolutely perfect and will hold a place of honor in the nursery. I am sure Evie will treasure it forever.
    When she was planning for the quilt, my mom asked me what I'd like to be the focal point and I came up with the idea of Christopher Robin reading a book to Pooh. I'm an English teacher, of course, and reading is important to me. I can't wait until Evie is old enough for me to read the stories of Winnie the Pooh to her at bedtime. My mom tricked me by telling me that she couldn't do what I'd asked because she couldn't find a good picture of C. R. and Pooh reading, on which to base her applique. I guess it was what you'd call a "white lie:"
    Thanks Mom! It's gorgeous. The love sewn into it is visible and tangible.

    Tuesday, November 4, 2008

    Cupcakes

    Still here, still sick, still no pics from this weekend, except:

    My mom, J's mom and I made cupcakes on Saturday to take to church on Sunday and serve after the service, in celebration of Evie's baptism. Here are the ones with vanilla icing:
    Here are the cupcakes with chocolate icing:This is my mom. I don't remember why this picture was taken, but she was the icing queen, mixing confectioner's sugar and butter like nobody's business. The cupcakes were delicious and, of course, we have lots of leftovers. If anybody local wants one, just stop by. I don't have a pic of J's mom in the kitchen, but here she is with Evie the day before. She was the cupcake grand pooba and master of ceremonies, bringing the vanilla cupcakes with her (pre-made and frozen), along with the recipes and supplies we needed to make the super special M@gnolia Bakery recipe. She ran the show, my mom was second in command and I stood there feeling helpless and getting in the way, mostly. I am sadly inept in the kitchen and I'm very grateful to J's mom that she passed on her domestic diva skills to him, so that we eat more than lasagna and 7 layer dip for dinner. But I digress...

    The baptism was great, both R and G were there and I promise I'll write more when I finally get some pictures. Today, Evie and I are going to stand in line to vote. I'm going to bring her diaper bag with me because the lines might be horrendous since Missouri is a swing state. We were supposed to start going to a momma/baby aerobics class tomorrow, but I'm thinking that we shouldn't expose the others to our cold germs?








    Monday, November 3, 2008

    Grandpa Time

    This weekend was great. But. Most of the pics are on my mom's and MIL's cameras, so they will have to wait a bit longer. And I am sick with a cold. And Evie is sick with her first cold, which she caught from me, of course. guilt hack cough sniffle guilt guilt guilt guilt. Nablopomo will be more difficult than I thought? Here is Evie on Halloween, wearing orange for the occasion and just a diaper cover because it was warm on our porch that afternoon, with my dad. This was the first time Evie got to meet this grandpa and they have been having fun cuddling ever since: And here is Evie with J's dad. This is the first time he's seen Evie since she was 3 days old, so they had a lot of catching up to do! J shot this pic while standing on a counter, by the way:

    Don't worry about Evie and her cold; my dad is a doctor and he'll be here another couple of days to keep an eye and ear on her. More pics when I can get my digital fingers on them.

    Sunday, November 2, 2008

    Evie's Baby Box

    I decided to take pictures of things that I want to put in Evie's "baby box" some day, so that I can print them and write on the back who gave them to her. That way she'll always know, in case I forget for some reason. I know, it's a bit over-the-top. My motivation is that there are things in my baby box that I don't know details about. I'm taking pictures of my things, too, so that my mom can tell me the details and I can write it down for posterity.

    For Evie's box, here are the Web*kinz cow and Be@nie Baby pig that G's sister gave to her on her birth day: This is a cornhusk doll that we received as a gift from a local craftswoman and from our hotel in Santa Rose while we were vacationing in Mexico immediately after being matched with R, G and Evie. The hotelier and local woman had no idea about our news, so it was a fun coincidence:
    This is a onesie from G's sister, also given to Evie on her birth day:

    Here is the tutu I made her and that she wore in her 2/3 week portraits. It will take up a lot of room in the box, but I'm not ready to get rid of it yet. She'll probably put it on a doll, eventually:

    Finally, here is an afghan crocheted by J's grandmother Evelyn, after whom Evie is named. Grandma Evie crocheted quite a bit while she listened to/watched Minnesota Twins games. One year she won a blue ribbon at the county fair for one of her afghans (this isn't the blue ribbon one):






    Saturday, November 1, 2008

    From my baby box

    For fun, I dressed Evie up in some clothes from my babyhood. She was not amused, but I got some cute pictures.

    This was my Christmas dress (I was born in December):
    The embroidery on this is so cute: It's hard to see, but this one has kittens on the dress. It came with a matching diaper cover but the elastic on the cover is shot, so she's wearing one of her own covers. Amazingly, she's already too big for this dress. I couldn't button the top button in the back because her neck is too chubby! :)